When I was a little kid, whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered without hesitation, "A pediatrician." And I planned on attending Stanford [on a scholarship, no less] and that was that.
As I got to high school, I changed the college to UC Santa Cruz and wasn't so sure that I wanted to be a doctor anymore but I still had lofty plans.
As time went on and circumstances changed, I ended up going to community college for a few years, followed by jobs in retail and restaurants until I ended up at Kaiser and spent almost eight years there - until the day I became a stay at home mom.
It's not like the thought of being a stay at home mom had never crossed my mind. My mom stayed home with us for most of my childhood and it was awesome. We always had someone at home with us and I remember many days spent in the backyard, or walking around town with my mom, brother and sister. It was a charmed life. But I never really saw it as part of my future. I always imagined I would be sitting at a desk in my adult life, not sitting on a couch while I wait for the laundry to finish drying or for Scarlett to finish cleaning her room. It never really crossed my mind that I would be good at staying at home.
I'm very impatient. I get easily distracted. I need quiet time to myself. I can have control freak tendencies. All of those things are a no-go for a stay at home mom. Kids don't care if you like things done "a certain way" - when they try to do things, it's going to be on their own terms and in their own time. There will be messes - and then there will be new messes on top of the ones you haven't even had a chance to clean up yet. They will not care if you really need just a few minutes of peace and quiet to yourself. Or if you'd just about kill for a nice hot cup of coffee and a good book. They want what they want - and they need what they need. In the course of me writing this post, I've had to go deal with at least three mini-catasrophes with Scarlett [so far], some including permanent marker and a letter opener. There have already been tears and a phone call to Nick to help me deal with this. That's how things work around here. And I'm not sure I'm very good at dealing with that kind of stuff.
But this is where I am.
We went to a new church last weekend to check it out and see if we'd be interested in going back. Park of the sermon was about "finding your group" - the people in your life that it's your job to help shape and guide. I didn't realize it at the time, but Scarlett is my group. And I've been planted in her life [and she in mine] to help guide her and shape her into a wonderful person who is kind and loving and hopefully has more patience than I do.
I need to bloom where I'm planted. And I need to be gentle with myself and remember that flowers aren't always pretty and healthy and ready for a bouquet. Sometimes they're wilting. Sometimes they need more light and more water. Sometimes they need to be moved and handled carefully. And sometimes they need to be re-planted and given a fresh start.
Today is my birthday. Today is my fresh start. Today is my chance to bloom where I'm planted and be the best flower I can be.
love & cupcakes,